Sometimes in our lives, while we are standing, a storm will rip through and knock us down to our knees. Often during these times, we want to plead to God to help us, to change the situation, to take it off our hands. Very recently, in my own life, things have seemed, more than ever, that the ground beneath me was shaking. Just when I thought I had a stable ground everything began to shake around me. Tonight I heard the phrase, when we make plans God laughs. I am beginning to understand how true this is.

     All in twenty four hours everything seemed to crash into a wall. Feelings of dread, anxiety, and uncertainty swept over me and through me. I constantly felt a cold wave within my chest as I strove to find answers and reassurance. I knew this was one of moments we as believers talk about. The moment when doubt arrives and what are we to do when we struggle. For people to just say, turn to God is a simple answer. But that answer does not involve the feelings and actions needed for the people going through the situation.

     For many nights, I struggled falling asleep. My mind whirled around with questions and thoughts of the future. I talked to God often about everything. I thought of how He frees us and I wondered when would I feel free? But I also reminded myself that God has a plan, no matter what happens. And that sometimes we must continue and push past the pain and fears so the glory of God is that much more stronger. God keeps His promises I reminded myself. I continued to fight back instead of let my worry and doubt take over.

     It was hard. My dreams repeated the issues I struggled with never finding a satisfactory answers. In the daytime I continued to praise Him. That's right...praise Him. God is stronger than anything I will ever face. He is known as the impossible for a reason. His will....will always be done!

    It is always in the times where we are thrown down and become vulnerable that our souls determine whose side our hearts are on. I've long since decided that it is not about me, nor going to Heaven. It is about God and His glory. It is about Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It is about others and their needs. The moment I was experiencing has been one that I have been preparing for. The moment when my faith is challenged. The moment when my heart breaks because I am human. The moment when I choose whose face to turn to. The world's or God's?

     One night as I struggled falling to sleep and talking to God. I asked myself to lay out the feelings I was struggling against and tell me the opposite of those feelings because the opposite of those feelings is exactly what God can do! I felt uncertain, but God is certain! I felt worried, but God knows the way! He holds the key to the map of my life! He is the Alpha and Omega! I felt doubt in myself and my faith. But God is the TRUTH and I do not doubt God. I know, believe, and have faith in Him! I may not trust myself or my own faith because I am weak. But He is forever strong! AND HE KEEPS HIS PROMISES! He keeps His word!

     Shortly after this night, I reminded myself that God is our King, our Father, and our Friend. Psalm 46:01 "God is our refuge and strength, an very present help in trouble." If He is all of these things, then why do I struggle? This is why faith is so hard I believe. Faith is seeing beyond. And so I imagined how would I feel if Someone told me that everything was going to be okay. That He had a plan and He would take care of me. If a person had that much control and power I would surely want to rely on their words so why couldn't I immediately do that with God? When I imagined God telling me the same words He has kept in the Word, I felt more secure. I may not see Him but He is just as real.

     He is always by me. So when the ground fell around me, I just needed to look up to see Him standing in front of me protecting me. The middle of last week I was starting to break away from the pain and uncertainty I felt. Sure everything was falling around me but the one solid piece of foundation that wasn't, was the the piece my Lord held still. Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

   Last night, doubt crept in slowly and I shouted in my mind, "GOD KEEPS HIS PROMISES! HE PROMISED ME HE WILL KEEP HIS WORD!" My doubt retreated. When pain strikes and doubt comes at us it can really take us off guard. I do not believe that the Lord will immediately take away all of our pain all the time. I believe that sometimes He needs to see where we are with Him. We need to be willingly to look up to Him and to KEEP praising His name. Even in darkness the Lord will make light come!

     I am not strong, but my God is! I cannot move a mountain (not by the faith of a human) but my God can! (by the faith of God). I do not always have the words that need to be spoken, but my God does! I do not always understand but God can!

    I took a break from my writing after completing Melissa's Test Run A Light in Darkness. I started writing Lesley's Test Run and I took a break when everything began falling. But through my own writing, the Lord used it to show me He indeed has heard me.

     In Melissa's A Light in Darkness there is a scene where a character has everything fall around him. The Dark One uses this as moment to remind him of his pain and it in turn makes him extremely vulnerable. Eventually he cannot take the pain anymore and feeling helpless he snaps. Some of my test readers felt that this scene was almost too fast. Part of myself wondered the same. Until everything fell around me.

     The pain felt unbearable with the doubt of certainty. And even though it was struggle for me to keep pushing myself beyond it I knew God deserved His glory. He deserved more than what I was feeling even when I was struggling. If He keeps His promises then I did not need to keep worrying. But as I sat on the floor in tears talking to the Lord the scene I had written a month before flashed before me. And in the moment, I understood exactly how my character felt. Helpless.

     He felt helpless because though he tried to change and become better things and people were against him. He couldn't see a way out. He could not see help was still there for him. But me on the other hand, I did have help.

     Even if I had the Dark One telling me all of the issues of uncertainty I would face, I had the Great One (God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit) right by my side telling me HE could handle it. The whole point of Melissa's story as the title says is A Light in Darkness. God used my writing to speak directly to me and not just my readers. He was showing me that in my moment of darkness THERE WOULD BE A LIGHT!

     When I started writing Lesley's test run, her character is all ready broken and struggling. It helped me work on some of panic I was feeling and it helped me be honest. I knew that what I was dealing with others had and were experiencing. Without knowing that the title I decided for Lesley's Test Run would also speak to me too, God did. Lesley's Test Run is Standing While Broken.

     The Lord taught me, as He has been working with me through the years, that is okay for Him to hold the whole map while I hold a blank sheet of paper. Bit by bit, He will provide the pieces and I'll see more. It took me a long time to accept not knowing everything of what is meant to be and what will happen. (Sometimes I still struggle). But God knows so much ahead of me. I tell others that He is the best hands to be in. I need to tell myself that more often. He promises to take care of me. He promises He has a plan and a reason for that plan.

     I am not the First and I am not the Last and for these reasons if I knew everything that I wanted to know it would be too overwhelming. For this reason, I am glad that God knows all. I am glad that much more that when He does reveal pieces, whether help with my series, His lessons, my life or others it is that much more appreciated. Jesus is the way to God and Jesus says that He will give us the desires of our heart. He says that if we ask in His name He will do it for the glory of God. The more I ask Him to guide me with God the more answers I receive in various ways.

     I close this blog saying this, the second day of my struggle before everything had calmed down and peace was fully given. I was internally battling my emotions. It was a cloudy day and we (my husband and I) were driving through town. The day reminded me of the past and it was a good memory. Then streams of sunlight started to come through the clouds. I felt that God, even in the moment of my darkness, was reminding me He would be there. I felt special just thinking perhaps...just perhaps He let those streams of sunlight come through just for me. He was giving me my Light in Darkness and it was the very beginning of Him teaching me what it meant to Stand While Broken.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10