So I have been thinking and debating about this topic just not with the blog post. It's definitely up on my rant topics so here we go! Deep friendship. What does it mean to me? Why should others try to invest in it? Why do people most likely do not invest in it? All of this and more of course is my opinion. So if you share another view or perspective that is completely okay because everyone is different.
I've noticed, especially within the last few years, that my view on friendship seems to differ a lot when it comes to other people. Here are some categories I've come up with on different friendships I've had in the past and in present. Now these friendship categories are not focusing on one person, I've had these experiences (some have been observed) multiple times and thus they have made their own category in my life.
In no particular order...
1. The Conversationalist Friendship- This friendship heavily relies on pure conversation with no hanging out with the actual person. Sometimes there are one or two occasions where there is a hang out but that's it. Now, for the category, I've experienced a handful and sometimes two handfuls of trying to hang out with said friend. Mainly because I really enjoy their views and I would love to hang out with them with the bonus hope of the person actually making plans and telling me they want to hang out. This category does not include those who cannot actually venture to visit. There is such a thing as long distance friendship which will be talked about later.
Side effects of this friendship-
Crushed hope-The crushed hope of hoping I will finally be able to hang out with this person. I also get upset wondering why I get told "Hey, let's hang out soon." and months go by and nothing.
Feeling of being ignored- It's harder still when I see said friends reaching out to others and telling others they want to hang out, when I've waited for months and the occasion is either forgotten or it never happens.. It's like a slap in face.
Worry/Paranoia- It's the little voice in the back of your mind that asks you what is wrong with you? Why am I the only person it seems to this person that I am not worthy of their time? (This side effect can really mess with your self esteem...IF you let it get to you)
Patience- Now, people get busy and there is a lot of unexpected turn of events that happen in our life. But I think, at least from my experience, those you really do want to spend time with, when the occasion arises, you will find time and it may take weeks or months but it will happen. We don't walk in everyone's shoes and so we don't always know what's going on.
Letting Go- And no I do not mean the version of Frozen. There is scripture that I had to learn the hard way that helped with this. It is ....
Matthew 7:06 "“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you."
I'm not calling anyone swine but I'm focusing more on the scripture of throwing pearls. Constantly trying to do something that isn't working and consistently being let down isn't the right way. I learned that it's okay to stop trying. When I feel that I've done my absolute best and I'm not reciprocated it's okay to let go. If the person really wants to make an effort then it's that person's turn. And sometimes there will be a joyous surprise and other times I move on.
It also doesn't hinder the fact that this friendship may purely rely just on an occasional conversation. Always remember, that people's interests in life may vary compared to yours. I'm learning this which is what brought up this topic.
2. Get to know friendship- This is pretty much the basis of every new friendship. It can include pure conversation or meeting up and talking face to face. This is pretty much the baby stage of any friendship. Friendship is oddly enough like the dating form of learning how compatible you are with a person. Friendship relies deeply on compatiblity and connection. Even friends with complete opposites still have some odd connection.
Side Effects-
Awkwardness- When you're first meeting people it may be really awkward especially for those of us that are shy. This is why you will see some friendships with a really outgoing person and a really shy person. Those who are outgoing can sometimes be really good at helping others open up to conversation.
Fear- This may pertain to me but I am always aware that meeting new people could go badly. Some people have very strong opinions and they love arguing them. Some people refuse to talk about certain things. Some people will not be friends with particular people for various reasons of beliefs, looks, etc. When you are meeting someone new, you just don't know what that person is thinking. When you know a person even a little bit you have a better idea of what they may be thinking. But when you are walking into completely unknown territory it can be kind of scary. You want to be accepted and yet you also want to share some things in common which may not always be the case.
Potential New Friend- Yes, you may very well find a new friend which is really exciting. Time will only tell what kind of friendship it will become.
Courage- This goes for those of us who get shy around new people, myself included. It takes courage to talk to others that we don't know. For some, they can walk up to anyone and strike up a conversation and for some others it's harder to do that. Let me say that just because a person is shy doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with a shy person. However, it does mean that there can be hindrances occurring in the friend making because many of us who are shy may not always speak up for ourselves when we should.
This is crucial when meeting new people. Just because we are shy does not mean that we will agree with everything a person says nor should we. Therefore, for those who struggle with shyness in general or those who struggle with speaking up this is definitely the time to speak up when meeting new potential friends. You do not have to come across as cocky or with an attitude to show that you have values and you have topics that you agree and disagree with. And if you feel or are aware that you are with a person that wants to have it solely his or her way you can choose right then and there to not be part of that. Saves a lot of future time.
3. Sidekick/ Robotic Friendship- This is the friendship in which you don't really have much say. The friendship is dominated by one person, which is not you. You want to keep this friendship for whatever reason you place and therefore you go along with whatever your "friend" says, does, or wants. Perhaps this friendship is being used as a way for you to appear popular to others and maybe you gain some other friends from it.
Side Effects-
Emotional Distress- The dominating friend's wants can be very needy. You are used as a crutch and only when wanted. This can be very hurtful to yourself and to others who watch you having this kind of friend.
Low Self Esteem- Your independence of this friendship is very nonexistent and therefore it's hard for you to be happy about yourself and your goals when you are constantly focusing on and worrying about someone else who may not be caring at all of how you feel.
Bitterness- This kind of friendship could make you bitter towards others. It may make you turn against and treat those you care for just like said friend. If you are being treated wrong especially under your own choice you have no right to treat others badly.
Potential New Friends- If you stick with this person you are probably going to see others who hang out with this friend as well. It's possible you could gain other friendships this way but you don't know if those potential friends are going to act like said friend. Also, you don't know how said friend may use you for or against those other potential friendships. So you may make a good friendship out of this but if your friend doesn't like your new friend you are going to have some issues. (Just because you're out of high school doesn't mean all adults change)
Loss of Old Friends- If you have other friends who have tried to warn you or tried to help you get out of that kind of friendship and you continually refuse do not expect them to stay. As I mentioned before, people do not have to constantly try and be denied. They have every right to move on too. And if you have a friend who is in a bad friendship and you have tried your best and nothing comes out of it. You have every right to let go of the situation if it's starting to hurt you and that may include that very friend you were trying to protect.
4. The Advice Friendship- This friendship is deeply connected to your friends always going to you for advice. There can be other forms of friendship within this but the root is you are the sole or main counselor/advice giver that your friend(s) go to. Now, in general this isn't a problem but this category is focusing on the fact that besides you constantly giving advice there's not much else of a friendship especially if you do not feel comfortable asking advice of the friend(s) going to you for your needs. Also, if you feel that you are mainly used for a vent session and advice column.
Side Effects-
Carrying the burden of others- I firmly believe that God is the best One to take burdens away because I'm human and I have limits.
Matthew 11:30 "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Now, since I believe that and I have been in this situation it's very hard to take on the burdens of others. People may not realize it but by constantly and I mean constantly (not occasionally going to you with their problems) going to you with their problems, they are making you incapable of doing anything. You see, they come to you for relief and guidance and it's wonderful you can give your friends that kind of relief. The problem is you give and they take while leaving you with their problems and worries. You are incapable of helping the overall situation because in truth it is up to them to make that happen ...not you. This causes you to feel worry, being upset, sad and a bunch of other emotions. This is why psychologists and counselors are paid and not only that but are also trained a bit in helping them not confuse their life with their patients' problems. You don't have either.
The Courage to Let Go- This is a really complicated friendship because it's wonderful knowing that you are helping others. The problem is that though you are helping others you are left with the pain. It also hurts when you feel that you are only needed or talked to when people have problems or issues. The person you have been helping may not understand it but you need to let it go because it is only hurting you.
5. The Renewed Friendship- These friendships are rare and far between. This friendship has went through a tough spot and the two have been separated. Somehow, the two have worked it out and have become friends again. There are a lot of pluses in this friendship because the friends all ready know each other and perhaps this friendship is ready for better communication. But this friendship can also cause problems as well.
Side Effects-
Nothing Changed- This is the main issue with renewed friendships. When people become friends again with the agreement of sweeping past issues under the rug. When friends do not communicate the negative harsh issues they cannot grow as better friends. Therefore, though the friendship is renewed there is no growth from it. When friendship is renewed on an agreement and not from hearing each other out and BOTH UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER'S SIDE the past issues still remain as they are.
In my own experience, these issues may not again be talked about but the friendships are very distant from before and hardly existent because within the time frame of the deceased friendship both parties have changed. That's not to be a bad thing but when you renew a friendship with two changed people the friendship should change as well and not return to the same spot. This could cause issues coming up later in time.
Growth A Lot Has Changed- Renewed Friendship when it comes from the blossoming of opening up past wounds and trying to heal them is the best. I'll give you an example of this. For a few years, I had stopped being close friends with a girl due to what I thought was a few issues. Years later after the speaking to each other had stopped I had grown a bit and I had always wanted to openly try to figure out issues. I felt prepared enough to write her a message and explain my side while also very willing to hear hers. She replied and as we talked it out both of us had been hurt in different areas and some of the areas that we felt hurt in the other had not known about. When we worked the issues out and understood where the other was coming from it really helped our friendship blossom. Now, she is one of the few close friends that I can be completely honest with and even disagree with while still having a very close connection with her. Communication is key in every relationship and both parties need to be able to do it. Even if you want to renew a friendship and work out issues your friend must be willing too. If neither party or only one party can get over the issue and there's still both or one party left holding onto past feelings nothing will be gained.
6. That One Topic Friendship- This friendship has been formed on one topic and unfortunately remained solely on that topic. This isn't necessarily though a bad thing. It's great to have friends who are interested in hobbies, topics, and issues that you are. They understand completely how you feel and see your perspective better in the topic than others who may not be familiar with it.
Side Effects-
There is no other connection- Friendships made from a particular topic or hobby can grow to a full friendship including many more ventures however, not every friendship is like that. Sometimes people will connect on one sole thing and nothing else.
You have a friend to turn to for this topic/hobby- This is a blessing of this friendship. You have someone who shares your interest and enthusiasm for this topic. When you have a goal completed or a rant with this topic in it, that friend will surely be one of the top friends who gets to hear about it first.
Other topics may be shared- You never really know. Friendships can happen in the oddest ways. For a few months, I thought I had only one topic in common with this one friend of mine. We would talk about it all the time and yet at the same time through various conversations of this one topic we found out a lot about each other. It turned out we had a lot in common and she is, to this day, my best friend. We wouldn't have met if this topic hadn't been discussed because the very night I met her out of the blue she appeared when I said the word, "anime".
7 & 8. Long Distance Friendships and Pen Pal Friendships- These I put together because they follow much of the criteria I'm giving each one. The big difference is this. The category of Pen Pal Friendships refer to people who you have never actually met in person versus Long Distance Friendships you have met people but due to a move or such you cannot hang out other than through Skype, mail, email, social media, and phone.
Pen Pal Friendships are the gems of friendships at least in my case. I met a wonderful close friend of mine this way. We began as a one topic friendship as well (hm, I'm noticing a trend here with my close friends) she understood my fears when my husband first joined the military. She was military wife. We began chatting and chatting on social media and then we would share our stories and our backgrounds. We had a lot in common. I have been friends with her for three years and it is one of the stronger friendships I have with people. No, we may not hang out but she makes the effort to contact me as much as I make the effort to contact her. There are friendships in which people live near each other and they can't even do that when they are able to.
Long Distance Friendships are gems like that as well. Sometimes when people do not live as close we aren't allowed the luxury of hanging out as much. Sometimes people get busy and communication isn't used as much. But there is something that connects the two of you as friends and that connection is deeper than most friendships. I have few friends that I do not communicate to as much nor they to me and we always pick up where we have been. One of the biggest secrets to that is that our friendship has years in the making.
Note: You can't really do this to new friendships unless you want to kill the friendship because no one really knows how the other thinks and acts like I mentioned earlier. Every friendship is different and should be treated as such. Therefore, understand (this lesson I'm telling myself too) that just because one friendship works this way for you and a friend may not work for you and another friend. Everyone is different and everyone thinks differently. If you are in a new friendship and don't respond to a friend who is contacting you that may be perceived a bit differently than a friend who knows you.
Side Effects-
Trust- These friendships have passed something that most do not. The trust that things happen in life yet that will not stop you from being friends.
Communication- This friendship is full of communication despite the distance. Even when it takes a bit of time for my friends who are not close in living distance to me they always get back to me. True friends never forget and true friends never leave you behind. Don't do that to them if they don't do that to you. You can lose a really good friend that way.
Reliable- These friends are reliable in response and action. The phrase, "If you need me, I'll be there," applies to them well. Even if you cannot be there physically to give support that doesn't stop you from giving support and it doesn't stop those who are good friends either.
9. The Rare Gem Best Friend Friendship- This is the best friend who shares a lot of things, hobbies, topics and issues that you do but also has their own unique tastes, dislikes and likes. This best friend can be a long distance friend, perhaps early on a pen pal friend, and a one topic friend, but never will place you solely for an advice counselor, a sidekick, and will never cause the friendship to end because both can communicate openly. This friendship has seen the lows and highs of both friends but in those times the other friend was there to lift that person up even when that means you may have to give up something of your own for a bit for someone else. But the feeling is that it's well worth it.
Only Side Effect- This friendship can strengthen you in hard times and share your joy in others. It allows you to do the very same for another person. While ever changing as individuals the friendship only continues to grow. Not every person in his or her life will have a best friend like this so that if you are blessed to have one cherish that person.
10. The Spouse Friendship (and my advice for those looking for potential spouses) - Note: This isn't going to be like the other categories rather how to have one.
When you are married, you are not going to share everything in common. Life is not always going to be blissful. But you share something in common that you shared from the beginning. I mentioned earlier that friendship is like dating when you are seeing how compatible you are with a person and what kind of connection you have. Well, marriage needs to revisit that first step. When you began dating, you found some similar interests in your future spouse. You found not only compatibility and not only a connection but a spark. Some say that the spark goes out of marriage and I can only assume (since I am newly married not even a year yet) that they are referring to the honeymoon stage. Now, I dated my husband for six years and we were engaged for two before we got married. I saw all sorts of highs and lows from him and he did me. But we shared a spark as friends before we dated and we share a spark now.
In fact, my close friends and I share a common spark of interest as well as any friendship in the process or those I have formed in the past. We have all gotten a spark from people in relation to different things that we share. That sparks the friendship but in the end it's not the fact that the spark of any relationship has gone but rather we are the ones who let it die.
In marriage, if we can't even be friends and have to battle for who is right what kind of friendship is that. It's not one. But marriage unlike friendship is on a higher commitment level and yet so many fail to keep it but take a look at friendship commitment. There are very few friendships that STAY true as well because most people are not committed and as seen in friendships if one person out of the two is not committed to the friendship it will still fall through.
Therefore, if you are looking for a spouse look at how that person is with his or her friendships. Not necessarily how that person's friends treat him or her but how the potential spouse treats the friends. Commitment levels can be shown in many ways. And the two biggest things throughout this whole blog about friendships is commitment and communication. In fact, with any relationship you need these two to work.
So for the Spouse Friendship to work there must be commitment and communication from both parities. Friendships go through hard things and marriage will go through more obstacles. The point is that if you are invested in each other and more so in the other person than you are in yourself, you both can grow together as a couple to new heights. Growing as couple, means you change for the better as an individual and together.
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This is why it's important to invest yourself in deep friendship. Investing yourself means being committed to your friends while being honest and open to discussion. If there are issues or disagreements you have with someone, it can't be worked out if you don't tell that person. Also, if that person doesn't want to hear you out you cannot force that person to. But you can work on yourself and you can find the courage to get out of a friendship that's hurting you even when it's hard to let go.
I always look for deep friendships with people because it means something to me to put forth that effort. Not everyone is like that though, and that's okay. I've learned a lot while being honest and open with people. Sometimes, people got offensive and it taught me how to word things better especially when done in a message setting (remember people cannot read TONE). But it definitely also opened up my eyes to how people react to something negative. By negative, I mean most people don't want to deal with situations when there's a problem even when there is someone who wants to fix it or discuss it.
But it also taught me that there are people who are willing to listen just as much as me. There are others who share my ideas and thoughts. I may not be able to make friends with everyone I want to and I'm learning that it's simply a part of life. Despite some of the harsh reality and experiences of the past, all of it has been used for the better. Lessons have been learned and I can help others know that they are not alone. We can all learn if we try to hear the lesson instead of talking over the instructor when things don't go our way. Life may have a downside but blessings can see be seen in the rain.
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